Updating my filter

Content Warning: Self-harm/suicidal ideation and behavior. (A personal account that may not resonate with all people who struggle with SH/SI, but may resonate with some)

Recently I had an intense self-harm experience. I'm okay and I'm well-supported. I learned a lot about my self-harm part from this experience. And I learned why my safety plan works. I decided I wanted to talk about my experience on TikTok where a few people do follow me for content about my mental health journey. As you may know, the TikTok algorithm notoriously despises the topic of suicide. My first post got zero views. My second attempt got around 30 views after 24 hours so I deleted those two posts.

I was upset about the algorithm for a few reasons. First, it bothers me that this topic is suppressed. A lot of content I see around suicidality is very sanitized and tends to center the comfort of people who care about people who struggle with suicidality, but not the people who are actually suicidal. I see very little content that speaks to the experiences of people who have suicidal ideation and self-harm behaviors, and very little that has practical application for people who live with these inclinations. The voices and experiences of suicidal people are deeply underrepresented in mainstream messaging about suicide and suicide prevention.

It also bothers me that the TikTok algorithm prefers face-to-camera videos. I am severely triggered by my appearance. I almost always post audio with captions and video art rather than face-to-camera videos. Self-harm episodes and suicidal ideation are often triggered when I encounter images of myself. When I see myself, I see Jabba the Hutt. To me, I look 100% exactly like Jabba and I don't understand how anyone sees anything different. It makes me want to kill myself. But I really wanted to share my experience, so I decided to do a face-to-camera video. However, I had to use a filter. It was just too hard for me to do it any other way.

So, I used a black and white filter with a smoothing effect and I talked about that night. I shared how I learned that my self-harm part wants to express pain, wants to express that other people can stand down from trying to hurt me because I have it covered, and wants to express that I want to be left alone in these moments. What is does not want is to die. I was really happy to learn that. I also learned that while it is terrifying for me when this self-harm part takes over, it does not take complete control. As a person with trauma-related dissociation, what it feels like for me is that I am being pushed out of my driver's seat to some backseat within myself while the self-harm part takes over my body and behavior. It punches me in the face over and over and I can't stop it. It makes a plan to end my life, and starts moving toward that plan, and I am just along for the ride - horrified. But on this night, as I left the house with a detailed plan about how I was finally going to exit this intolerable existence, I brought my phone with me. Thinking back on this frantic moment and noticing how I went to my nightstand, unplugged my phone, and put it in my pocket, I realized that another part of me was online protecting me and keeping me safe the whole time. It feels relieving and comforting to have awareness of that part.

This leads to my safety plan - which isn't much of a plan, but I have a much better understanding now of why this works for me. My plan is just to call someone if I ever feel I'm in danger of committing an irreparable action. I don't expect the person I call to talk me down or actively intervene in any way. I just need an alternative action I can take to get me to the other side of the moment - another choice that I have already thought about, that is just ready for me to do. It's just like chewing gum when you quit smoking, I realized. Gum doesn't have any kind of special anti-smoking properties; it's just another thing you can reach for until the craving passes.

I shared all this in a TikTok video with a filter. When I watched it back, I realized I had kind of a weird look on my face. It was because I was enthralled by how pretty I was with the filter. I ended up taking several screenshots. I posted them on Facebook and Instagram. I got a lot of comments about how beautiful I looked. I was surprised by how that made me feel - disappointed, and affirmed in my idea that it is truly not okay for me to be as ugly as I am, and that even my closest friends and family prefer the filtered me, a me who does not look like Jabba the Hutt.

I then sent the picture to my friend Rebecca, who said, "YOU HAVE NO PORES!" She went on to tell me that she didn't like the filter and that she likes my real face.

I sent a couple of the filtered pictures to my therapist and we talked about it last week. I expected him to take Rebecca's side on this, but I was surprised because what he told me was that the pictures actually do look like me. We also talked about how we are all kind of seeing through filters all the time anyway. I usually walk around with a filter that makes me look like Jabba the Hutt. Interestingly, I also noticed after obsessively looking at these pictures for a week, when I would walk by a mirror or catch my reflection in a glass door, I was starting to see less Jabba and more human. This whole experience caused a slight update of my filter. I can see the potential for a future where I see myself and don't see Jabba at all, and don't feel that I am too ugly to live, and don't feel the impulse to self-harm. I can see the possibility that someday it might be totally natural for me to see myself, and just see a person who is allowed to exist.

I'm going to continue to play with filters and self-

portraits as I explore this further.